I’m decidedly indecided to begin the beginning of my spiritual path.

Read that three times fast.

Vaisakhi is around the corner. And in each of the five different gurudwaras I have visited during the past few weeks, Bhai Sahibs have been encouraging their congregations to feel the spirit within, and with Waheguru’s grace, embrace Amrit and join the league of saint-soldiers.

And I’m inclined to do so. I would have walked forward at Guru Gobind Singh’s request. I live the Sikh way of life… well, kind of.

I’d say that I’ve got the seva and compassion aspect covered in some sense. But can I wake up at amrit vela everyday instead of only on days when I have to be at work at 4 AM? Can I do nitnem and reflect on it each day? Can I immerse myself with the sangat as much as possible rather than only on the occasional evening or weekend? Yes, I’m disciplined and guru-centered and I already do much of the above. Yes, I can do this.

Where is the hesitation coming from then? Deep down inside I think about how it would be to stop shaping my eyebrows. I’ve been able to put the razors and wax aside for a few years, but I can’t seem to get over the tweezer-to-eyebrow action completely. Deep down inside I wonder if this would make the circle of guys I may be interested in become even smaller than it is already. That sounds so horribly lame. And it is. I ultimately want to spend my life with someone who considers his spiritual growth equally as important and wants to raise a family of strong, open-minded, confident, and bright Gursikhs. So why am I even considering this notion? Deep down inside I wonder how I could even entertain taking this step if my knowledge of Sikhi just skims the surface and I barely know how to read and write Gurmukhi. I mean, I just maintain a silly and superfluous blog that gets a total readership of 30 on a good day. Deep down inside I wonder if the non-amritdhari community will begin to maintain their distance from me because I am not one of them. I would be deeply hurt by this as inclusivity is what I strive for. But I already feel that way sometimes with those who are amritdhari so there’s another deep down feeling that lacks substance. And lastly, deep down inside I wonder how it would be to give up my family name. All its wonderful history and ties to generations past. The nice ring it has to it. Its uniqueness. And all the forms I would have to fill out to have it officially changed.

I’m decidedly weak. I’m indecidedly strong. I wish I could make a decision. With Waheguru’s kirpa I hope I make the right one in due time.

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